


Rule Number 5: Don’t Get Attached. (they’ll leave you in the end anyway)

by Lou_La



Series: Zombieland. [1]
Category: Zombieland (2009 2019)
Genre: Character Death, Major Character Injury, Sad Ending, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:47:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lou_La/pseuds/Lou_La
Summary: Additional rule: If you see someone get bitten, shoot them instantly.(very short) {rated M for language and character death}
Relationships: Columbus & Tallahassee (Zombieland), Columbus & Wichita, Columbus & little rock
Series: Zombieland. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2009452
Kudos: 7





	Rule Number 5: Don’t Get Attached. (they’ll leave you in the end anyway)

One of the first rules of Zombieland is Don’t Get Attached.

Columbus knew this rule personally, not only had he done it his all life, but he’d made the rule up. He didn’t have a familial attachment to Tallahassee, but he’d be sad if he died. It was a friendly attachment… but sometimes those are the worst. Sometimes they can seem more painful than actual family.

Columbus also knew that if any one of them were bitten, they would shoot themselves before they became too far gone. If they didn’t do it, then Tallahassee would. If not for putting them out of misery, then to protect Little Rock. Columbus knew that Tallahassee saw Little Rock as a daughter. After his son Buck was killed by his Zombie-turned mother, Tallahassee was yearning for a child. Even if he didn’t outwardly say so.

* * *

So when they fighting at least 50 zombies and Little Rock was about to get bitten, Colombus’ mind went into slow-mo. Wichita screamed her name, Tallahassee wrestled with a zombie, and Columbus fired a shot into his undead companions skull. The zombie launched back, its head exploding in a bloody display. Columbus charged at the zombie about to bite Little Rock and body slammed it into the ground. Little Rock ran off to Wichita as soon as she was free. The jarring impact of hitting the ground knocked the air out of Columbus’ lungs, unfortunately giving the undead creature the opportunity to scramble onto his body.

Columbus shouted as he tried to get free. His gun was out of shells, leaving him defenceless. He shouted and yelled. The zombie snarled aggressively and snapped at his neck. Columbus pressed his empty gun to the zombies neck, desperately trying to put some distance between the undead creature and himself. “Help! Tallahassee! Wichita! Someone!” He yelled. “Hold on, Spitfuck!” Tallahassee yelled, gunning down several zombies. Wichita tended to her sister, making sure she wasn’t bitten, before gunning down a few zombies of her own. It was in this moment, Columbus allowed himself to think. The world moved in slowmo for a couple of seconds. The zombies snarled slowed down, blood still dripping from his lips. _What was he doing? Still fighting? He’d become a zombie in the end anyway. Why not make it now? Stop the suffering?_ But then he heard Little Rock crying to Wichita that he was going to die. Columbus shook himself out of his depression pit and kicked up at the zombie. It rolled off of him, leaving him chance to get up and run. “That’s it, Spitfuck! Keep on runnin!” Tallahassee yelled, joy in his voice. Columbus found a half broken ladder and jumped up onto it, hauling himself off of the ground. He pulled himself up onto a metal walkway about 8 feet off of the ground. Columbus jumped up to try and find something, _anything,_ to defend himself with.

When suddenly, “Oof” he exhaled. Another undead creature slammed into him. He yelled and struggled, taken completely off-guard with this one. There was a sharp stinging in his ribs, but he paid no attention to it. He’d probably cracked or bruised a few ribs. A loud bang rang through the room and the undead zombie dropped onto his body. Columbus exclaimed in disgust and pushed the (properly dead) corpse off. It thudded as it hit the floor. Columbus pulled himself up on the yellow metal railing and exhaled heavily. “You all good there, spitfuck?” Tallahassee asked. Wichita was too preoccupied with her sister to bother asking. Columbus waved his hand half heartedly. “Fine over here,” He called back. Tallahassee jogged over, kicking a dead zombie in the head and chuckling as he did so. “Need a hand?” He asked. The half broken ladder he’d used to get up there in the first place now had a half dead zombie on it. Columbus nodded sheepishly and swung his legs over the barrier. Tallahassee grabbed his feet and assisted him down. Columbus probably would have felt embarrassed, but the pain on his ribs over rode any other thoughts he may have had. 

His feet landed on the floor and jarred said ribs, leaving a small shooting pain running through his body. He winced and wrapped an arm around his chest. “You all good, there, spitfuck?” Tallahassee asked, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, I’m fine. S’probably just bruised. They’re strong fuckers."

* * *

The next morning (after they’d found a suitable shelter), Columbus woke up shivering and feeling nauseous. He slowly sat up in bed, very much aware on how badly his head was pounding and how fast the world was spinning, and tried to regain some sense of whatever the fuck was going on. He forced himself to put his feet on the floor. It anchored the world a little bit more, allowing him to grab his hoodie and shrug it on. That small action lead him exhausted. Columbus looked back at the (unfairly comfy) bed and debated just going back to sleep. But then his stomach growled ominously, so he tossed that idea aside to try and see if this old house had some meds for nausea.

He stumbled down the half broken staircase into the small kitchen where he was greeted by: “Whoa there, Ohio. Yer looking’ a lil green around the gills there,” Tallahassee commented from his space on the countertops. His stomach cramped tightly. It took all of his effort not to groan out loud. “I _feel_ a little green,” Columbus muttered, swaying slightly. The world had begun spinning again. “Maybe head back upstairs before yer pass out,” Tallahassee said. Columbus detected a slight tone of worry in the Floridian’s voice. He sighed heavily, aborting his mission to find anti-nausea stuff. The mere thought of walking up the stairs again made his chest feel tight with exhaustion, let alone actually doing it. He stumbled into the front room, noticing Little Rock dozing lightly. She must’ve taken the night shift with Tallahassee. Columbus dropped onto the sofa, groaning slightly at the (suddenly too bright) lights. There was no lights (electricity was a rare luxury in ZL) but natural light. He turned into the sofa, ignoring whatever Little Rock said and dozing off to sleep again.

Columbus was, once again, rudely awoken by his stomach churning horribly and violently. He breathed deeply through his nose and focused on his trainers. The nausea ebbed way slightly, allowing him to continue sitting up. He could vaguely hear someone talking, it sounded like Little Rock. “Hey, Kristie? Ohio’s not looking too good,” He waved his hand in a dismissive way. “No, m’fine.” He mumbled. Little Rock obviously didn’t believe him, as she shouted for someone to come and check him out again. His stomach burned and bubbled violently. The next thing he knew, he was being launched forwards as his body expelled whatever was in his stomach. There was a frantic shuffling of feet as he continued to heave. Someone yelled a profanity Something was thrust into his lap. His hands automatically came up to grab it. It felt round and cold, meaning it was probably a bowl of sorts. The urge to vomit passed, leaving him a panting, sweaty mess. He flopped against the sofa, the bowl clattering to the partly-carpeted floor. “Oho, there spitfuck. You doin’ a'ight?” Tallahassee asked. Columbus shook his head weakly. “No… I feel awful,” He mumbled. The room was quiet for a second before the churning of his stomach came back. He blindly reached for the bowl, finding it at his fingertips and leaned over. The churning became worse and worse, but nothing happened. Tears slowly slid down his face. “I ain’t even seen him cry before, Wichita. He good? You’re uh… better at this… compassion… stuff than I am.” He heard Tallahassee awkwardly say. A gentle hand began rubbing circles on his back. Heavy footsteps left the room, meaning it was just him and Krista. “What’s hurting?” She asked. “Is everything a good enough answer?” He replied. “Ya still think ya gonna be sick?” Krista asked. Columbus shook his head. “No… I don’t think so.” She gently took the bowl away and helped lay him on the sofa. 

The movement aggravated his bruised ribs and he cried out in pain. “Whoa, what’s wrong?” Krista asked. Columbus exhaled slowly. “My ribs… I think they’re broken.” He whined. “Do ya want me to have a look?” Krista asked. Columbus didn’t have the energy to say anything. She took this as a yes and gently lifted his shirt up. 

Several things happened at once.

Before Columbus had time to react, something hot and metallic flooded his mouth and clogged up his throat, just as Krista gasped and jumped back. “Fuck! Florida! I need your help!” Krista yelled. She hauled Columbus up by his arms and violently hit him on the back. Whatever was clogging up his throat shot out of his mouth, leaving a slightly metallic taste on his tongue. His head (is vibrated the right word to use?) painfully. “Oh shit.” Was the last thing he heard before he passed out.

* * *

* * *

Tallahassee already had a sneaking suspicious something aside from flu was taking his lil spitfuck away from him. But when Wichita yelled for him sounding panicked, it just solidified his theory. “Florida, I think he’s been bitten.” Wichita said, taking away a blood filled bowl and putting it on the floor. Tallahassee pointed to said thing. “That amount of blood came out of spitfuck?” He asked. Wichita nodded sadly. “He’s been bitten on his ribs. Have a double check though, yeah?” Tallahassee walked over to Columbus and lifted up his shirt. He gently dropped it again. “Uh, yeah… yeah, that’s a z bite.” He confirmed. Wichita gasped and put her hands to her mouth. “Fuck, we’re gonna have to kill him. Aren’t we?” She asked. Her voice was slightly muffled by her hands. Tallahassee felt sick. “Yeah… yeah, we are. Go get Little Rock and tell her. We’ll uh… we’ll decide who’ll do it.” Wichita left without saying anything, but the teary sniffs as she left were more than enough.

* * *

Little Rock didn’t take it well at all. She’d sobbed so violently, she’d cried herself out. Columbus had woken just after she’d passed out. “Ohio, I’ve got some bad news for ya.” Tallahassee began. Columbus held up a finger. “Don’t. I already know. I heard you tell Little Rock.” Tallahassee felt tears slowly leak from his eyes. Columbus grinned tiredly. “Aw, the big bad Tallahassee cryin’ for lil old me?” He joked. “Fuck off,” Tallahassee joked. Columbus suddenly looked serious. “After I die, I want you to do something for me.” He said. Tallahassee listened with full intent on fulfilling whatever he asked. “Go to 153 Pine Road in Columbus, would ya? Just see if my family is alive?” He asked. “I had a little brother and an older sister. Obviously I had parents as well.. and if they’re zombies, kill them? I don’t want them to suffer.” He asked. “Promise me you’ll do that?” Tallahassee sniffed and wiped away a few tears. He grabbed the younger man’s hands in his own. “Whatever you want me to do, Ohio, I’ll do it. Hell, if you asked me to walk through hell for you, I would.” Columbus smiled and wiped away a few of his own tears. “If they’re zombies, tell them Daniel is waiting for them.” Tallahassee stared. “Daniel? Yer name is Daniel?” He asked. Colum-Daniel nodded. “Yeah. I never really liked it, but… what can you do?” Tallahassee sighed deeply. “Jason. That’s my name.” Columbus stared him in the eyes. “Help me to Little Rock?” Tallahassee helped Daniel up and wrapped an arm around his was it. “Lean on me, I don’t care,” He gruffly spoke. Columb- _Daniel_ snorted.

* * *

It was decided that they would all close their eyes and shoot at the same spot. Then not one of them would know who killed him. It was Columbus’ idea. That way not one of them would feel one load of guilt. Little Rock’s real name was Caitlyn, as she told Columbus before she’d hugged him fiercely.

Now, they were stood just outside of the house they were squatting in. Columbus widened his arms in a “look at this” display. “Well… time for goodbye.” Little Rock went up first, thanking him for being a good big brother to her. Columbus hugged her tightly. Wichita went up next, thanking him for saving Little Rock. She’d kissed him and hugged him fiercely. Then it was Tallahasse’s turn. “I ain’t one for hugs, so this is a _huge_ honour.” They man-hugged. 

Everyone hugged tightly in a massive group hug. Then, Columbus flinched violently. “I can feel myself turning, so let’s get this over with.” Wichita, Little Rock and Tallahassee loaded and cocked their guns. They aimed at Columbus’ head. “Tallie!” Columbus called. “Promise me you’ll do it?” He asked. Wichita and Little Rock looked over at him, confused. He nodded. “Without a doubt.” Columbus nodded and closed his eyes. 

They all aimed their guns. 

“On 3?” Wichita asked. She and Little Rock counted down while Tallahassee said:

“That’ll do pig… that’ll do,"

And they shot the bullets.


End file.
